Venting

I am not one to ever complain, and if I do, it is short lived and I move on with my day. I understand and have made peace with the fact that I cannot see, but some days are just down right hard.

On a daily basis, there are a zillion things that happen behind the scenes in my head and I need to figure them out as I go. In no particular order.

· Making sure I text my rides for the day to remind them. Wait for them if they are in traffic. I’d love more than anything to come and go as I please and not need to be at work longer than I need to, or stopping on the way home for milk or other items we might need. It would be awesome to stop for a coffee on the way to work and not need to ask permission or not inconvenience my driver.

· Finding rides if I need one last minute and making sure it is one of my supports that has a car seat in their car already.

· Making sure I have everything clean and packed for Noah for daycare.

· Making sure when I enter or leave work, that I am paying 100% attention to where I am going to either the building or the car.

· Not ever being able to go anywhere, just Noah and Mommy. I need to rely on others for every step of my day and hope that there are people available to take walks with us or help as we play outside etc. or we are stuck inside.

· I never get that time to decompress on the way home from work because I am always with people and talking. Others can turn on the radio or zone out.

· Not being able to go outside with Noah unless someone else is there. The leash thing stinks and allows for no freedom and he hates it. We also cannot even attempt to go outside if a neighbor is mowing their lawn, using a weedwacker, or other loud noises.

· Not being able to tell Noah what pictures he is pointing to on the book or people or things outside. Yes, I have braille books but they don’t always say what the different pictures are.

· Not being able to match his clothes or have him look cute for the day (I get it, who cares, but it would still be fun to pick out certain outfits or know what characters are on his shirt).

· Always being on overdrive listening, being careful of where I am walking etc.

· Having to label everything in braille whether it is meals in the pantry, pouches, other items.

· Not being able to see the cute artwork that he brings home each week from daycare. Sometimes they are tactile but not all are.

· I cannot see how excited Noah gets when I get to his daycare classroom.

· I cannot tell if the bread or bagels are moldy, if the fruit in the refrigerator is still good even though it feels like it is etc.

The list goes on and on, but I am literally thinking, planning, and problem solving, every second of every day.

I am currently trying to find a new job, or figure out different transportation options as things have changed with my current transportation arrangement. I want to work and I want Noah to be in daycare because he loves it and thrives there. I want to earn my own paycheck and contribute to a company or my economy. I want to be normal and show my son that you need to fight for what you want and never give up. All of these things would be so much easier if I could just see. Then again, if I could see, I’m sure I would have other challenges, whatever they might be.

By all means, my intention was never to have you feel pity or woe is me, it was simply to explain some of the aspects of being a blind Mom.

Again, 99% of the time, I am totally OK with this and it is just what I do, but the next time you encounter someone who might be having a bad day or seems preoccupied, remember that we never know all of the things that happen behind the scenes and they could be struggling with an overload of information, endless thoughts, and problems to solve.